Dirty Jokes

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

2. 60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it's cute. 3. Who circumcised you? 4. Why don't we just cuddle? 5. You know they have surgery to fix that. 6. It's more fun to look at. 7. Make it dance. 8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. 9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 10. It looks like a night crawler. 11. Wow, and your feet are so big. 12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger. 13. It's ok, we'll work around it. 14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. 16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 17. Oh no, a flash headache. 18. (giggle and point) 19. Can I be honest with you? 20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 21. Let me go get my tweezers. 22. How sweet, you brought incense. 23. This explains your car. 24. You must be a growing boy. 25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 27. Are you one of those pygmies? 28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 29. Every heard of clearasil? 30. All right, a treasure hunt! 31. I didn't know they came that small. 32. Why is God punishing you? 33. At least this won't take long. 34. I never saw one like that before. 35. What do you call this? 36. But it still works, right? 37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting. 38. It looks so unused. 39. Do you take steroids? 40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it. 41. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident. 44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 45. Aww, it's hiding. 46. Are you cold? 47. If you get me real drunk first. 48. Is that an optical illusion? 49. What is that? 50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 51. Were you neutered? 52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 53. Does it come with an air pump? 54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 55. Where are the puppet strings? 56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes. 58. Never mind, why bother. 59. Is that a second belly button? 60. Where's the rest of it?

3. Pick up lines that my get you killed
1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.
7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.
9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!
12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?
15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"
17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house. 18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?
22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.
23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.
24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

4. I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.

5. A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

6. A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. ''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.'' The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?'' ''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.

7. Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a a huge glass of that drink. The first man went down yelling, ''Beerrr!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of beer. The second guy went down the slide yelling,''lemonadeee!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade. The third guy went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!''

8. What is 40 feet long and smells like urine? Line dancing at the nursing home.